Friday The 13th Is Almost What I Was Expecting

Friday The 13th Is Almost What I Was Expecting

Friday the 13th 2009

I wanted to like this movie… I really did. I wanted to watch online the rebirth of one of the greatest horror icons of the ‘80s… instead, all I got was this lousy T-shirt. Scratch that… they didn’t even give me a t-shirt, all they gave me was a moronic slasher filled with boobs, blood, bongs, and beer. I know what you’re thinking. “What’s wrong with that?” you’re probably asking yourself. The problem is that this movie is like the glitz version of a Friday the 13th. While it takes all the elements that made the original so great, it misses out on the spirit of the original films. They were actually fun and not torturous to sit through, as opposed to this one.

While none of the earlier Friday the 13th full movies can be mistaken for high art, they did manage to thrill and entertain me when I watch them… and not pander to high school douche bags with largely pointless scenes online, people getting wasted, and excessive duderism. This film plays out like a frat boy’s version of a Friday the 13th flick and not a film that has any resonance with the fans that kept this franchise afloat for shitty sequel after shitty sequel. It has more in common with a stinker like House of Wax than it does with an actual Friday film.

Director Marcus Nispel proves that he is one hell of a hack. He basically takes his directorial formula from The Texas Chainsaw Remake and lays it over the skeletal remains of a stock Friday the 13th story. There’s no depth, no reverence for the character, but simply one hack director’s attempts to satisfy the high school demographic online and make some cash. While Nispel’s direction is adequate at times, it’s clear that he has no grasp of how to handle characterization or humor within the framework of a slasher film. The sad part is that he actually keeps trying for a good hour, which becomes painstakingly laborious to sit through.

It’s not all bad as Nispel does have an amazing grasp of how to frame some violent and brutal deaths. Jason Voorhees looks cool as hell and Nispel does a great job of making him a fucking monstrous beast… when he is actually on screen. When he’s not on screen, Nispel resorts to lame jump scares and pointless scenes of people playing beer pong to keep the movie going.

The other thing that Nispel has a grasp on is how to fully degrade his female actresses by putting in them random scenes of nudity. You’ve got three chicks who get naked whe you watch Friday the 13th online free. One girl shows off her boobs next to a campfire. One chick decides to go water skiing topless… which is probably not that great of an idea if you eat it. Then the final chick decides to romp the shit out of some dude that looks like a bleach blonde, more muscular version of Tom Cruise… who I like to refer to as Malibu Cruise. While this a minus for some… it’s probably a bonus for others… mainly people who can’t get laid and smell like a bum’s nutsack half the time.

The jokes and “clever” dialogue feels like it was written by a troll online. No one in the theater laughed… no one even smiled. There was simply tons of awkward silence… which was actually a blessing after a while, because the film would probably have been better to watch as a silent flick. But then how would you be scared by super loud sound effects? You wouldn’t… which would have been a bonus.

The only thing great about this film is tha it is available for free online, Jason himself and the fact that he kills the people. Derek Mears is a perfect Jason, and other than the second and third Friday the 13th films, he is the best in a long while. Mears oozes danger as the retarded madman and he pulls off the role excellently. Jason is played without humor or gimmickry and the ways he kills people is no-nonsense brilliance, designed to make you feel uncomfortable rather than make you laugh, unlike the later the films in the series.

The gore effects in the film are fairly solid and worth watching. There was one moment of CGI involving a hatchet and someone’s chest, but most of the effects were practical and blood-drenched. Still, the amount of off camera kills or quick cuts that obscured the gory glory, is kind of off-putting.

Thankfully, by the middle of the film, the kills kick into high gear and are shown in all their gory excess.
It’s not the best Friday the 13th flick to watch free out there, but it is the best looking. That’s gotta count for something right? If you’re a fanboy, you’ll love this, but I could put a hockey mask on and go “Ch, ch, ch, ha, ha, ha,” and you’d probably crap yourself with joy in that case. If you’re looking for a great degree of technical expertise and solid writing in a slasher flick (which I’ve been dreaming of for years), then this is not the film for you.

Final Synopsis

This is a must watch (despite the low rating) for fans of the Friday the 13th series. For everyone else, ask yourself if you liked the TCM remake. If you did, you can check this out and only be slightly disappointed. If you hated it, you’ll hate this one more.